I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
