you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
