plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
