the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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