I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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