I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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