I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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