I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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