the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
