what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
