I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
