her vagine was all disorganized.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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