Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
