also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
