Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
