My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
