i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
