Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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