i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
