that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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