I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
