something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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