did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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