I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
