everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
