The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
