dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
