I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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