Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
