"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
