her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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