On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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