I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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