The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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