The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Gay?
German.
Pity.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
