your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
