i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Vodka?
Forever.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
