Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
