I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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