We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
