If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
