I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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