he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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