When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
God gave him joint rollers for hands
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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