dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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