Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
