A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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