Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
