This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
