Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
how does that bad decision feel?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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